I’ve been feeling ok recently. I know right. But I am feeling so much better. Sure, I have bad days, but I have been coming on in leaps and bounds.
I started my new school 4 weeks ago and it has gone ok so far. The teachers are so kind and flexible to everyone’s needs. I find it hard to talk to the people there who are my age and I haven’t made any proper friends yet but its still early days and what I’ve figured out about myself is that I just need time. Time helps everything.
My sister went away to university 1 or 2 weeks ago. I miss her very much. She is studying medicine, so of course i’m happy for her that she’s following her dreams. We’ve been video calling and today I sent her a pen pal letter. She has sent pictures of her with all her new friends, and I was like whoooooooa that was quick!! I’m glad she’s doing so well, and it kind of motivates me to do what I want to do when I’m older, which is working with animals, and in my spare time, content creation on Youtube. Alice wanted to do something medical since she was like 14. And now look at her, a real doctor in the making. Just goes to show you are never too young to know what your aspirations are.
Today I texted my best friend, who i’ve been out of contact with for a while. I understand though. Nearing the end of my time at my old school, our friendship went through a rough patch. I didn’t explain what I was going through in an easy way to understand. Friendship is a 2 way street. You have to realise your own mistakes in order for the friendship to heal. I may have only realised this recently, but it’s never too late. I know that we have been through a lot. We’ve both grown up, I’ve had a mental illness, we’ve been apart. Any friendship would struggle through all that. We’re still friends. It will just take time.
Halloween is coming up, and I’m very excited. Every year me and my friend write a halloween play and perform it. I also bake ghost cookies, carve pumpkins, do apple bobbing with my family and watch Hocus Pocus. Before you ask, I am a christian and I believe in God. But who says christians can’t have fun on halloween?? Talking of Hocus Pocus: Hocus Pocus 2 is coming out on Disney+ soon!
That’s sort of it for a life update. School is going well, mental health is improving, sister moved to uni, autumn & halloween are coming and I’m realising that everything gets better if you give it time. My best friendship, my bad memories; everything will heal. Things. Just. Take. Time.
I’ll be back soon – next time showing you some simple seasonal recipes. Hey, I said at the beginning this blog had everything, right?!
Love from Ems xx
Ok so a lot has been going on in my life.
Thanks to those of you who stuck around while I took a break from blogging. The good news is that I have now finally found a school which I will be attending in I think 1 or 2 weeks! I may be more stable when I settle in and have more to talk about, so will be blogging more.
How do I feel right now? NERVOUS. No, not nervous. TERRIFIED!!!!!!!
The reason why is because I haven’t been to school in pretty much a year and I have been so disconnected from people my age for so long. Sometimes I have super overdramatic thoughts like “what if I’ve forgotten how to have a conversation with someone my own age??” or “what if I’ll never catch up on all the work I’ve missed the passed year?”
I may be absolutely terrified to start a new school but I’m also in anticipation that I will be getting back out in the world and actually experiencing life. This year its felt like my only world has been the safety of my bedroom. And now that I am getting my life back again it feels weird. I will be learning every day, and hopefully will have friends. I mean, that feels like kind of a fantasy after all this time lol.
Am I going to stress out and try to be “perfect”? No. But am I going to try to get my life together a little bit? Yes. Trying your very best is all you can do. That’s why I am going to try to improve in self care. Right now I haven’t washed my hair in 2 weeks. I have a very short boyish haircut so it doesn’t really show but sometimes I find it very hard to take care of myself. Either I just have so many stressful thoughts in my head that I forget or my autism steps in and gives me sensory issues that day. I don’t know, but recently things like washing my face, hair or cleaning my earrings has become increasingly difficult. Sometimes I guess I just don’t value myself enough.
However I look back and I realise I’ve come so far. This time last year, I couldn’t even sleep in my own bed. I slept in my parents room for 6 months. I also had quite serious meltdowns. I used to lie in bed every day not being able to get up. But now look at me. I’m about to go to a new school, I have my own blog, I came out as gay, I sleep on my own and I can go shopping in a busy place now.
I still feel depressed and anxious a LOT and my energy levels are still pretty bad but I’m better.
Remember, you deserve everything good in life, no matter how bad you feel. You deserve love and compassion. You deserve to eat, to go out and to live.
I hope you take something away from this post. I may be nobody special to you in this huge world but I have a voice and I have stuff to say.
P.S leave a comment on your thoughts if you want to.
These wonderful drawings were done by @autism_sketches. You can find them on Instagram, where there are even more amazing sketches about autism. Whoever did them has a lot of talent. I hope this post helped you realise autism isn’t all bad, though it may not seem like it. I am struggling with my autism at this point in my life, but it won’t be like that forever.
Guess what?? The council have finally agreed to pay for a special needs school for me. If you read my post called ‘Quick update on life’ you will know how hard all the uncertainty was for me. It was all “Am I going to go to another school, am I not??” Not knowing what was going on in my own life was stressful.
Right now I have so many feelings, which I am struggling to identify. I guess I am super anxious about starting a new school and finding one that’s just right for me. I’ve moved so many schools over the years because they weren’t right for me. I don’t want to choose wrong again.
Obviously I’m also glad that I’m going to be going to a school full of other autistic people who understand me, and I’ll be able to get the help I badly need.
So yeah, all in all I’m super glad and super anxious
I just hope everything works out
Ok, real quick update on my life guys. Yesturday my parents visited a school just for autistic people to see if I can go there. I recently got an EHCP, but at the moment the council are not yet agreeing to pay for the fee, and we can’t afford it, obviously. However we are making a case and sending letters and doing all sorts of paperwork to convince the council. It’s so annoying, can’t they see how much I need this? I’ve been having a horrible time, what with severe anxiety and as I’ve said many times before, depression. They might not know what it’s like to have a meltdown. Your heart palpates, your chest is in agony, and all you can do is writhe on the floor and scream and scream for help. You think your going to die. Those of you reading this who have meltdowns/panic attacks, know that I’m not exaggerating. Everyone I love is saying I deserve to be in a place that understands me, not a place which gets annoyed with me because I cry and fidget and hide under desks. I just hope in the near future I can be in a place like that. A place which understands me. And accepts me. I also wish I could just shoo away my depression like when you swat a fly, but it’s not as simple as that.
I’m not saying I am this perfect person who always believes all of these facts, but on my good days I realise they are true. That’s the problem with depression. I don’t have many good days so most of the time I don’t believe anything good about myself. However, today I am more stable so I can write this post.
Fact number 1: EVERYBODY HAS BAD DAYS:
Don’t believe me?? Look, sometimes I barely believe it myself, as people are always sending me photos and videos of themselves going to parties and wearing super expensive fashionable clothes, and generally looking like they are having a PERFECT life. I then take a look at myself, lying in bed a lot, not going to school, not even being able to go out sometimes. It makes me feel terrible – like everyone else is having a great life except me!! But today someone said something to me which really made me think. She said that people only show others the good things going on in their lives, and not the bad things. It made me think “Well, I’d never know about their bad moments, because they never post them online!” It still sucks to see photos of people having fun when I’m not, but at least I still know in the back of my mind that they probably have bad days. It’s not just you!!
Fact number 2: INNER BEAUTY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN OUTER BEAUTY
This is still something that hasn’t completely sunk into me yet. I am often putting on makeup and stuff before I go out. Makeup is completely fine, and really fun, but it’s only unhealthy when I’m obsessing over it and crying if I think I look “ugly”. I think that quite a lot, but people tell me it isn’t true. One day my mum sent me this message. Take a look:
Heartwarming, right? Keep that message and know that you are beautiful no matter what. God bless your soul ❤️
Fact number 3: YOU ARE NOT A MISTAKE
Some people think that them being born was just a bad coincidence. But you were meant to be here. The world would be missing something like a jigsaw puzzle without a piece if you weren’t in it. Only yesturday I wished i’d never been born, so your not alone. Just know that it was all part of fates design. Everything happens for a reason. You were put on this earth a specific reason.
Fact number 4: EVERYONE IS USUALLY TOO WRAPPED UP IN THEIR OWN LIVES TO BE JUDGING YOU ALL THE TIME
I know this often feels untrue. I got severely bullied in my old secondary school. Physically and verbally. It got so bad to the point that the school were checking CCTV cameras. That’s when I left the school. But let me tell you something I’ve learned since I moved: People have their own struggles and problems, whether they are big or small, and are sometimes too wrapped up in them to be constantly staring, judging and thinking about you. There was once a time when I fell over and sprained my coccyx, and everyone was laughing at me. 10 minutes later, it wasn’t such a big deal because everyone had forgotten (because they were getting on with their own lives). It’s hard for us autistic people to imagine what it’s like forgetting something so quickly because smells, sounds and experiences stick in our minds. But for neurotypical people, it’s very different.
Fact number 5: EVERY GOOD DEED YOU DO IS WORTH A LOT
Don’t ever stop doing good things for other people. Whether it’s a charity fundraiser, baking someone a cake, looking after someone when they are ill, or getting a job that helps the community. Every good deed you do will help someone, even if they don’t realise it. Take binmen for example: they are amazing people – they get up at the crack of dawn and go round collecting everyone’s rubbish. People often forget they are doing it, but if they weren’t doing it there’d be rubbish everywhere!! Imagine!! What I’m saying is that good deeds make a difference.
Well, I hope that made you feel better. And remember everything in this post is true, I’m not just saying them for the sake of it.
Be back soon
I am so sorry I have not written for such a long time. I might not write another post for a little while longer though because I need to rest and rehabilitate myself to be able to slowly start doing the things that I used to be able to do again. Those of you who have depression get what a crushing illness it is. You might especially understand what I am going through if you are also autistic because autistic people are more vulnerable to getting a mental illness.
Anyway, I’m sorry that I won’t be posting much. I am trying the best I can. You might think that it’s weird that I am taking a break from blogging literally so soon after I started, but the truth is I set up this blog probably not at the best time.
As for my few followers, please don’t unfollow me, because one day in the near future I will be blogging regularly agagain
Thankyou so much for understanding ❤️
I find leaving the house really hard, but occasionally I am able to do it if I am in the right mood. Most of the time I feel tired and unmotivated, like I haven’t got much energy and it’s easier to just stay in bed. But sometimes walking with my dog gives me the motivation to go out because I want her to have the excersize she needs. I am calling all autistic or mentally drained people out there: GET A PET. Whether it’s a dog, a cat, a hamster, a rabbit, a snake or even a tank of fish; having a pet to love and take care of is great distraction from your intrusive and negative feelings. Of course, some people can’t get big animals like dogs or cats for many reasons including living space, work hours, etc. If you are one of these people then take into consideration that there are lots of smaller, lower maintenance pets such as fish, small geckos and African land snails. If you really can’t get a pet at all then there are many other ways to help your anxiety.
I have some really cool news. I am sponsoring a girl in Africa who lives in an area of poverty. That means my family send her money every month so that she can have an education, healthcare check-ups, clothing, food and anything else her or her family needs. Her name is Nyiranzeyimana and she is 13 years old just like me!! I can write her letters too, which, along the way to her country, get translated into her local language.
I just thought I should tell you guys that, because it’s something that I am quite proud of and I want to spread the word that you should sponsor a child in poverty too. It is such a rewarding thing to do and you are changing a child’s life for the better.
If you know someone who you think would really like to help a child in need, share this blog with them or just tell them about how they can sponsor a child or teenager.
Thankyou for reading today’s post. I kept it short and sweet ‘cos I’ll be back soon with more on this blog. Thankyou 💖