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  • Quick update on life

    Ok, real quick update on my life guys. Yesturday my parents visited a school just for autistic people to see if I can go there. I recently got an EHCP, but at the moment the council are not yet agreeing to pay for the fee, and we can’t afford it, obviously. However we are making a case and sending letters and doing all sorts of paperwork to convince the council. It’s so annoying, can’t they see how much I need this? I’ve been having a horrible time, what with severe anxiety and as I’ve said many times before, depression. They might not know what it’s like to have a meltdown. Your heart palpates, your chest is in agony, and all you can do is writhe on the floor and scream and scream for help. You think your going to die. Those of you reading this who have meltdowns/panic attacks, know that I’m not exaggerating. Everyone I love is saying I deserve to be in a place that understands me, not a place which gets annoyed with me because I cry and fidget and hide under desks. I just hope in the near future I can be in a place like that. A place which understands me. And accepts me. I also wish I could just shoo away my depression like when you swat a fly, but it’s not as simple as that.

    Nothing’s simple.

  • How I feel in a mostly neurotypical world

    Me in a neurotypical world lol
  • 5 true facts that will make you feel better about yourself

    I’m not saying I am this perfect person who always believes all of these facts, but on my good days I realise they are true. That’s the problem with depression. I don’t have many good days so most of the time I don’t believe anything good about myself. However, today I am more stable so I can write this post.

    Fact number 1: EVERYBODY HAS BAD DAYS:

    Don’t believe me?? Look, sometimes I  barely believe it myself, as people are always sending me photos and videos of themselves going to parties and wearing super expensive fashionable clothes, and generally looking like they are having a PERFECT life. I then take a look at myself, lying in bed a lot, not going to school, not even being able to go out sometimes. It makes me feel terrible – like everyone else is having a great life except me!! But today someone said something to me which really made me think. She said that people only show others the good things going on in their lives, and not the bad things. It made me think “Well, I’d never know about their bad moments, because they never post them online!” It still sucks to see photos of people having fun when I’m not, but at least I still know in the back of my mind that they probably have bad days. It’s not just you!!

    Fact number 2: INNER BEAUTY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN OUTER BEAUTY

    This is still something that hasn’t completely sunk into me yet. I am often putting on makeup and stuff before I go out. Makeup is completely fine, and really fun, but it’s only unhealthy when I’m obsessing over it and crying if I think I look “ugly”. I think that quite a lot, but people tell me it isn’t true. One day my mum sent me this message. Take a look:

    Heartwarming, right? Keep that message and know that you are beautiful no matter what. God bless your soul ❤️

    Fact number 3: YOU ARE NOT A MISTAKE

    Some people think that them being born was just a bad coincidence. But you were meant to be here. The world would be missing something like a jigsaw puzzle without a piece if you weren’t in it. Only yesturday I wished i’d never been born, so your not alone. Just know that it was all part of fates design. Everything happens for a reason. You were put on this earth a specific reason.

    Fact number 4: EVERYONE IS USUALLY TOO WRAPPED UP IN THEIR OWN LIVES TO BE JUDGING YOU ALL THE TIME

    I know this often feels untrue. I got severely bullied in my old secondary school. Physically and verbally. It got so bad to the point that the school were checking CCTV cameras. That’s when I left the school. But let me tell you something I’ve learned since I moved: People have their own struggles and problems, whether they are big or small, and are sometimes too wrapped up in them to be constantly staring, judging and thinking about you. There was once a time when I fell over and sprained my coccyx, and everyone was laughing at me. 10 minutes later, it wasn’t such a big deal because everyone had forgotten (because they were getting on with their own lives). It’s hard for us autistic people to imagine what it’s like forgetting something so quickly because smells, sounds and experiences stick in our minds. But for neurotypical people, it’s very different.

    Fact number 5: EVERY GOOD DEED YOU DO IS WORTH A LOT

    Don’t ever stop doing good things for other people. Whether it’s a charity fundraiser, baking someone a cake, looking after someone when they are ill, or getting a job that helps the community. Every good deed you do will help someone, even if they don’t realise it. Take binmen for example: they are amazing people – they get up at the crack of dawn and go round collecting everyone’s rubbish. People often forget they are doing it, but if they weren’t doing it there’d be rubbish everywhere!! Imagine!! What I’m saying is that good deeds make a difference.

    Well, I hope that made you feel better. And remember everything in this post is true, I’m not just saying them for the sake of it.

    Be back soon

    Ems xx

  • Rosie’s birthday

    Happy birthday to my baby dog Rosie who turned 2 years old yesturday!!
  • I’m taking a short break

    I am so sorry I have not written for such a long time. I might not write another post for a little while longer though because I need to rest and rehabilitate myself to be able to slowly start doing the things that I used to be able to do again. Those of you who have depression get what a crushing illness it is. You might especially understand what I am going through if you are also autistic because autistic people are more vulnerable to getting a mental illness.

    Anyway, I’m sorry that I won’t be posting much. I am trying the best I can. You might think that it’s weird that I am taking a break from blogging literally so soon after I started, but the truth is I set up this blog probably not at the best time.

    As for my few followers, please don’t unfollow me, because one day in the near future I will be blogging regularly agagain

    Thankyou so much for understanding ❤️

  • You should get a pet to help your anxiety

    I find leaving the house really hard, but occasionally I am able to do it if I am in the right mood. Most of the time I feel tired and unmotivated, like I haven’t got much energy and it’s easier to just stay in bed. But sometimes walking with my dog gives me the motivation to go out because I want her to have the excersize she needs. I am calling all autistic or mentally drained people out there: GET A PET. Whether it’s a dog, a cat, a hamster, a rabbit, a snake or even a tank of fish; having a pet to love and take care of is great distraction from your intrusive and negative feelings. Of course, some people can’t get big animals like dogs or cats for many reasons including living space, work hours, etc. If you are one of these people then take into consideration that there are lots of smaller, lower maintenance pets such as fish, small geckos and African land snails. If you really can’t get a pet at all then there are many other ways to help your anxiety.

    I have some really cool news. I am sponsoring a girl in Africa who lives in an area of poverty. That means my family send her money every month so that she can have an education, healthcare check-ups, clothing, food and anything else her or her family needs. Her name is Nyiranzeyimana and she is 13 years old just like me!! I can write her letters too, which, along the way to her country, get translated into her local language.

    Here is Nyiranzeyimana from Rwanda. Please respect that I have covered up her face for her privacy.

    I just thought I should tell you guys that, because it’s something that I am quite proud of and I want to spread the word that you should sponsor a child in poverty too. It is such a rewarding thing to do and you are changing a child’s life for the better.

    If you know someone who you think would really like to help a child in need, share this blog with them or just tell them about how they can sponsor a child or teenager.

    Thankyou for reading today’s post. I kept it short and sweet ‘cos I’ll be back soon with more on this blog. Thankyou 💖

  • Home learning

    Hello everyone

    I’m so sorry that I havn’t posted for a few days, life’s been super stressful for me recently, and it’s hard to write a positive blog when I am feeling this way. And I really do want to write mostly optimistic blogs. Today I wanted to update you guys on what’s going on in my life right now. I am having a longer time off school and instead studying at home a bit. I just can’t cope with anything at the moment. The main thing I need to focus on is surviving, doing the hobbeys that lift my spirits a little and doing some studying for my exams.

    I have made a discovery of something really cool. I have become addicted to Billie Eilish music. Her voice is soft and relaxing and her songs have such profound meanings. I am definitely a Billie fan!! If you havn’t heard her songs yet, check them out on youtube/spotify etc. or whatever music platform you use.

    Tomorrow in my home-schooling I will be doing some cool chemistry experiments. I thought it would be fun to do something practical and then learn the science behind it. So I will be going through with you some cool science experiments.

    The first one is called ‘candle capers’ and it’s where I will be creating a gas which can extinguish any flame!!

    Step 1. Light your candle
    Step 2. Add 4 tablespoons of vinegar to a tall glass
    Step 3. Now add 3 teaspoons of bicarbonate of soda to the vinegar
    4. This should cause an awesome bubbly reaction.
    Step 5. Waft the glass over the flame and the gas created will extinguish the flame.

    The science behind this: The gas produced in the reaction is carbon dioxide. Carbon dioxide is denser than air and therefore fills the space in the glass rather than floating off. As you pour you tip the carbon dioxide onto the flame. Flames are extinguished by the heavy gas preventing oxygen from getting to them.

    I tried another experiment about testing the density of products around the kitchen, but for me strangely it didn’t really work. The dish soap and milk mixed together for some reason. Maybe I had the wrong type of products? Who knows? Let me know in the comments why you think I got it wrong.

    I’m off now to go extract the DNA out of a banana 🍌 so wish me luck!! Bye guys and see you tomorrow

    (P.S, this blog has already passed 100 all time views in 2 weeks. Thankyou so much to the people who have liked and commented to my posts and to the people who have followed me already.)

  • Any prayer requests or suggestions needed?

    Happy Friday everyone. (At least it is here in the UK’s time zone!)

    I don’t really have a plan for what I am going to write about today, but I do want to tell you about something really cute that happened. My mum works in a special needs school and one day in the past I got to witness a chick popping out of it’s egg. This is the closest I’ve ever seen to something being born other than watching a giraffe being born on TV before. If you have never seen a seconds-old chick, they look like this:

    Tracy BEAK-er (haha, get it!) the newborn chick.

    I also cuddled the newborn’s siblings, and that was fun too. It was so nice to be with these mini miracles 🐣

    Today I am going into school for my maths lesson and my trumpet lesson, which is quite a big thing as school is really hard and stressful for me. Pls pray for me and what I am going through. I don’t know if any of you guys know the feeling of depression, and if you do I am so sorry. No one deserves that. The days pass by and you lie in bed not feeling the same that you used too. Sometimes you wonder if there was any point of you being born in the first place. Well if things are hard for you or anyone you know, feel free to leave a comment with requests for who you might want me to pray for: whether it’s a friend or family member, or whether you are going through something hard yourself. Wherever you are in the world, if you request it I will pray for you.

    Also, I have this aim to make friends and have people to go out with but right now I’m not getting anywhere! Does any of you have any tips on ‘how to make friends that live relatively near to you’. I’m crying out for suggestions peeps!!!!

    My mum just showed me a super cool video about a dog who was blind and deaf but still is living life to the full. It was so sweet and touching. Which is why I will leave you with this message: Disability doesn’t mean inability. Remember that.

    Thankyou for reading this blog post I will probably upload more of an interesting one tomorrow. Thankyou to those 2 people who are following me already. I can’t quite believe it because I only started this site 3 days ago and I really didn’t think anyone would care LOL. Well if you liked this or any of my other posts, please share them with friends and family and spread the word.

    This is Emily signing off

    Bye

    Oh and please tune in tomorrow for my next post. It’s going to be pretty cool!!

  • Looking at extracts of my childhood diaries:

    Hello y’all, today I am going to be #exposing myself LOL when I go through with you only a couple short extracts from my childhood diaries.

    I’ve had 3 diaries throughout my life and just so you know most bits of them I will not be showing because of my privacy, but I will be showing you the funny, slightly mean ones haha!!

    The first one I wrote when I was like 9 or 11 years old or something I can’t exactly remember, but in primary school there was this big bully in my class who SHALL NOT BE NAMED dun, dun dunn!!!!! Anyways, he would just spend all his time calling me stupid, dumb, weird, and that I would never achieve anything with my brain. (I know right, kind of a harsh insult coming from a primary school child haha) Well, it didn’t really bother me that much because I knew that people could get bullied way worse than that, but I still wrote some pretty outrageous stuff about him in my diary!!!

    “He plays too many video games that his brain is rotting and he can’t pull himself together and stop being horrid and mean and picking on me and everyone else, though I’m the target. As if I care about his unsults anyway”

    Wait a second – UNsults???? omg that’s not even a word! And it kinda sounded like I did care LOL 😀 He was really mean, but now that I look back on that it gets me laughing every time. I mean, I was quite a tough little 9 year old, wasn’t I?!! I knew my stuff!

    Right now I’m flicking through my next diary and I’m realising there are so many moments I’ve written about when my best friend I*** has done something so clumsy it’s funny! I was writing about this time when in drama class we had to act out a murder mystery. She played the killer and I played the victim. She had to act out killing me by bashing my head with a waterbottle, but something went wrong…

    “I*** was supposed to PRETEND to bonk me on the head with her waterbottle, but instead she actually did, and my scream was not acting, it was real!”

    Or another time…

    “On one of our rounds, I*** wacked herself on the shin with her own tennis racket by mistake and then started hopping around like a mad headless chicken going “OOH! AGH! EEE! OOH! EEE!’”

    There was another time when me and I*** were going on a school residential and I was writing my diary on the coach when I thought it would be nice to let her write some, so I passed her some pen and paper, and this is what she wrote:

    “Thanks for that entry bestie #struggling to write because I am on a coach….bana bana shake that booty #so excited”

    I remember her giving my diary back and I was like….whaaaaaaaaat??? What does ‘bana bana shake that booty’ mean?? Mysteries of the universe…..

    Apart from that, even though that diary went on for like a year or something there aren’t actually that many embarrassing or funny or at all juicy bits in it. You see, when I started that particular diary, I was in a sorta okay place. On one hand I had just found out I was autistic so I could understand myself better, I had moved to a new school with a fresh start, I had almost moved on from the hideous bullying that happened to me at my last secondary school (You’ll hear about that another time), puberty hadn’t really properly started for me yet and I had a pretty stable friendship situation. I still had bad anxiety and I hadn’t been sleeping well, but apart from that life was fine. I didn’t really have anything embarrassing or that interesting to write about. When I turned 13, I was suddenly on all this medication to help my depression and anxiety, suddenly started feeling insecure about my appearance, I suddenly stopped going to school, and suddenly I felt alone and friendless. I am trying to make a few friends but it’s not easy for reasons I have written about before on this blog.

    Well, if I could say one thing about being a teenager, it’s that it can be HELL, full of insecurity and finding yourself, but it can also be okay I guess, ‘cos you have more independence.

    I actually revealed less than I thought I would today. Please leave a like if you identified with this and type down some of your funniest childhood diary extracts in the comments, or just let me know your own experiences of teenage-hood.

    See ya.

  • Socialising when you have autism.

    Hi again everyone. Before I properly start my next post I thought I’d tell you 3 really weird and funny facts about me and the people in my life! Just so you get to know me even more.

    1. I cuddled a giant panda. Yes, this is completely true. When I was 4 or 5 years old my dad’s job required my family to move to China for about a year. It was there that we got to cuddle some giant pandas at a sanctuary for protected pandas.

    This is me age 4 cuddling a panda.

    2. My mum got told off by Mother Teresa! When my mum was in her 20’s (before I was born) she went to India to work with mother Teresa and other caring nurses. In one of the lessons my mum was chatting with her friend when she wasn’t supposed too and got told off by Mother Teresa! Please note that I am not throwing shade about Mother Teresa. She was a lovely caring woman who helped many people – but maybe she was having a bad day that time!!

    3. Eating pineapple makes my eyebrows feel weird. Don’t even ask. I don’t know myself! It’s one of those crazy unexplainable mysteries of life….

    Anyway, let me know some of YOUR super crazy fun-facts about yourself by commenting on this blog!

    Anyways, today I wanted to talk to you about something that’s a big thing in mine and many teenagers lives (especially us autistic ones): SOCIALISING. Today I am going to be describing what it feels like to be an autistic teenager or even a very shy neurotypical one. Friendships/socialising are hard for me as an aspergirl, because I constantly have this voice in my head going “What facial expression did that person just do??” Or, “Am I coming across as super cool and not at all nervous?” or, “Did I just say the right thing?” My mind is forever trying to identify people’s tones of voice, expressions and jokes. That’s another thing: jokes. I have a very specific sense of humour, and when a teacher or classmate starts telling me a joke, I usually end up totally humiliating myself because I take the joke too literally and everyone laughs at me. So yeah, sometimes having a conversation with a classmate is hard because on the surface I am keeping it together but underneath I am frantically trying to say the things that I hear other neurotypicals saying and laughing at all the right points. This leaves us autistic people frustrated and exhausted and sometimes I stop talking for days on end.

    I have not yet figured out how to deal with this, which is probably why I am not going to school and spending a lot of time resting in bed, struggling with exhaustion as living life when there is so much going on in my brain is tiring. But I hope that one day when I am an adult I will know how to deal with my ASD.

    Sorry that I can’t write down tips on how to deal with socialising struggles, but I just don’t know. The best advice I can give is to be gentle on yourself: this is not your fault and one day things will be better. I guess I am just trying to educate the world on what is going on inside my autistic brain so that people can understand better and have more patience. My main aim though, is too be able to write a blog that other autistic people can relate to and feel comforted that they are not alone.

    However, please note that every autistic person is unique. Although people with Asperger’s have similar characteristics, what I have written today won’t go for all individuals.

    Thankyou for reading today’s post. Please leave a comment or like. It gives me much encouragement. I will be back to post another tomorrow.